Monthly Archives: May 2014

Live. Love. Sing. Mother’s Day Edition: Fix You

We lost our first baby eight years ago! Those aren’t easy words to write, not to mention accept. Twelve weeks into my pregnancy we lost “her”. We don’t know it was a girl, but I’m pretty certain in my momma’s heart that I knew it was our baby girl. We named her Karis. It means grace. Throughout the two weeks that followed losing Karis, God gave us so much grace for so many reasons, especially me, and that is why we chose her name. That’s a story for a different time though.

Karis made me a momma. From the moment I found out I was expecting, my heart changed. I became a mom with a momma’s heart. But in the midst of this beautiful change of my heart, I experienced pain like I had never felt before. I lost her. I lost the beautiful baby that made me a mom. Words could not describe the pain I felt. It was almost unbearable. I had never known such loss. I’d lost others I loved, but this was different. This was my child, the one I carried and was supposed to raise into adulthood.

It was December 2005 and Coldplay’s album X&Y had recently been released. I got the album for Christmas, just four days after losing Karis. I will never forget hearing the song “Fix You” for the first time. I cried my eyes out. The line ‘and the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can’t replace’ said everything I felt in my heart and soul. This song became the anthem for my sweet Karis. Many months went by before I could hear it without heart wrenching sobs taking over. Even now, so many years later, it resonates so deeply within me and brings me back to the place when I felt that loss.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

This particular Mother’s Day as I’ve watched and read of the dear girls kidnapped from Nigeria, as I’ve watched my own friends and family grieve the loss of a child or the loss of their mother,  as I’ve read and joined in on social media of #redballoonsforryan, the sweet 3 ½ year old taken tragically from his family this past week, my heart has been burdened for every mom who has experienced loss.  My heart has hurt for moms who have lost and for those who have lost moms. Loss comes in many different forms.

You’re a mom who has lost a child through miscarriage.
You’re a mom who has lost a relationship with your child.
You’re a mom who chose to give up your child.
You’re a mom whose child’s life was taken from you too soon.
You’re one desiring to be a mom and it’s not happening.
You’ve lost your mom.

For you, Mother’s Day makes your heart ache, and because of your loss, instead of a celebration, it brings you sadness.

It’s alright to feel sad. It’s alright to not like this day so much. Yes, we applaud and celebrate the moms around us, the moms in our lives, and we are ever so thankful for their sacrifice and selfless love for us. Thank you moms!

Truly, to my mom, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for giving us, your seven kids, five kid in laws, and seven grand babies (ten counting the babies in Heaven) your whole life. You’ve done more for us than a thousand other moms could have done and for that we are eternally grateful.

But in this post, I honor the moms who have suffered loss. This weekend, when you feel lonely, or forgotten, when you think no one remembers the pain you still feel, or how deeply it hurts, know that your Heavenly Father does. He knows and cares about each heartache and the tears you cry, even when you try to put on a brave face for everyone else. He knows your loss. He lost. He lost his only Son. He intimately feels and knows exactly how you feel.

I remember just after I lost Karis, an angel of a lady, who barely knew me shared with me something that I’ve never forgotten. She said, “Heather, through this loss you’ve experienced and understand a part of the heart of God that only those who lose a child can know, as He also lost His Son.”

This thought has comforted me many times over the years as I’ve leaned on Him and found a joy that only God can give, even in the pain of my loss.

On this Mother’s Day, dear mom who has lost, may our God, full of grace and mercy give you comfort, peace and love this year, and know that you are not alone.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace

And I will try to fix you

My own beautiful Mama with my daughter, Juliette.